The Crew Gazette

Visual: Yasmine Elsayed

Contributor // Depresso (They/Them)

As I stood there, on an empty road,

Even though it’s winter, the sky was blue and the air was calm, 

My eyes looked at the sky, admiring the colour,

I saw the doves fly from building to building on this vast, big road

I took a deep breath as the silence was deafening but soothing,

The quietness before a storm, some call it. 

My eyes drifted down slowly, but surely, I made contact with reality,

As the masses stood behind me, waiting to see my next move,

My eyes meet a soldier’s hidden behind his helmet, his team waiting for his command, 

The barrel of weapons aimed at me, 

But then I remembered, 

I am not alone, I too have a team behind me, 

I glance at my hands and I see a knife, but not a gun, 

I am reminded that I have no power, that I never had power, that the generations to come will never have power, 

I hear his movements, his slight, discreet cocking of his gun as if he’s hunting a deer, like he doesn’t want to frighten it or for it to run away, 

I hear him speak, but I don’t listen, fixated on the barrel pointed at me, 

I raise my hand in defeat. I never wanted to raise it; my body just reacted, needing to let me know that I have to survive.

That I need to walk away, negotiate a deal to make it out alive, 

My eyes find the masses behind me again, and I see none of them wavering. Would I be a coward for wanting to run away?

Would I be a traitor if I made a deal? 

What is this feeling? 

Fear. It was fear. 

I tremble at the thought, understanding dawning on me, I’m human—a mortal. I can die. I can perish. 

I take a deep breath, the air is calm, 

Wait

When did the sky turn red?

Why is it red?

Was it always red?

I wonder.

This was an anonymous submission to The Crew Gazette. Depresso would like you to read it in reverse.